Guest Post: Getting to Number One by Robert Tolan

The Newsweek article (Aug. 23 & 30, 2010) ranking the USA as number 11 among the “100 Best Countries in the World” got me thinking: How can we do better? How can we reclaim the number one ranking which made us the envy of the world? What has led us to this sad decline in our image? And what can we do about it? Is the answer Downsizing? Outsourcing? Trying harder? Getting-over-and/or-on-with-it? Finding a different advisory board to make the selections?

No, no, no, no and no. The answer is—hold for it—Consolidation!

We the people of the United States are divided into 50 semi-autonomous political units, mostly called states, but with a few commonwealths scattered about—and a smattering of territories plus one district and a handful of Indian Reservations—acquired back when we were number one. This plethora of political subdivisions, in addition to making a map of our country look like the creation of a demented quilt-maker, requires 50 state capitols, bi-cameral legislatures, judicial establishments and God knows what else—which means hundreds of thousands of politicians, bureaucrats, political, judicial, civil appointees, and… well, you can see where I’m going here.

The answer is consolidation.

I am proposing, modestly, transforming our fifty states into just sixteen (there’s really not much we can do about the territories), plus our national capitol (more about that later). Think of it: only 16 governors, 32 U.S. Senators, a greatly reduced number of Representatives at the national and state levels, billions of dollars of savings; the benefits go on and on! (Of course, there is the problem of those hundreds of thousands of government functionaries being thrown into the job market without any marketable skills; but the solution to that will make a great project for those public servants remaining employed.)

And sure, there’s the issue of identity but, as a native Missourian, I have to ask you to show me the real difference between an Ohio “Buckeye” and an Indiana “Hoosier.” Are folks living in the state of Washington that much different from Oregonians? Vermonters from New Hampshire-ites? Alabamians from Mississippians? No, no, no, and no.

So let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we? How do we consolidate 50 states into just sixteen? Here’s my plan:

Washegon (Washington and Oregon)
Calvada (California and Nevada)
Wyomonho (Wyoming, Montana, Idaho)
New Colzontah (New Mexico, Colorado, Arizona, Utah)
Texahoma (Texas, Oklahoma)
Kanbraskiomis (Kansas, Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri)
Dakotasota (The Dakotas, Minnesota)
Michconsin (Michigan, Wisconsin)
Ilianahio (Illinois, Indiana, Ohio)
Louisiarkasippi (Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi)
Tennetucky (Tennessee, Kentucky)
Flogeorbama (Florida, Georgia, Alabama)
Virginilina (Virginia, West Virginia, The Carolinas)
Penjerdeland (Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland)
New England—my mom always thought that was the name of a state, so this one’s for you, Mom—(Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, plus New York (except for the Borough of Manhattan—I’ll explain in a minute), and finally
Hawaskasinotories (Hawaii, Alaska, Indian Reservations, Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, etc.)

And, replacing Washington, D. C. as the nation’s capitol (a brief, but stirring, drum roll please): MANHATTAN ISLAND, to be known as DOBA (District of Big Apple)! Already headquarters for the United Nations—whose proximity we can exploit in the accomplishment of our mission—DOBA, as the new capitol of the USA (Unified States of America), will be ideally positioned to deploy all its public relations, marketing, financial, political, educational and cultural resources in restoring us to our former prominence.

Freed of the toxic influence of lobbyists, who will be required to remain in the former District of Columbia (which might be a good choice as the new capital of Penjerdeland or Virginilina), and will be forbidden to operate in DOBA, our political leaders will be free to do the people’s work in an atmosphere or ethical, financial and moral purity.

OK, there will be some bumps in the road. All progress requires adjustments in attitudes, loyalties; re-thinking of major sports franchises; choice of new capital cities, state nicknames, mottos, flowers, and road sign shapes; taxation will be a huge issue; statistical rankings (will Calvada be the most populous?); the list goes on and on. But we Americans, undiminished by the loss of 34 states, embracing our new amalgamation, undaunted by the many tough decisions and choices confronting us, and clinging fiercely to our AK47s, will once again lay claim to our rightful and proper role as THE NUMBER ONE BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. Or not.

Procrastinet

Guest Post: Getting to Number One by Robert Tolan