Procrastinet

God Reveals the Second Coming

filed under: Spam Art

I have been spammed by God.

Because it was from God, the message slipped past all the spam filters like the holy spirit slipping across an un-bloodied threshold.

Here is the message I received from God:

Eternity is a really long time. If you or someone close to you has not accepted GOd please do so tody [sic]. The following prayer can save you or someone that you love.

Say, "Oh God, save my soul. I'm so sorry that I have sinned against you, but I have come home. I will serve you, Lord, the rest of my life. Deliver me from all my sinful habits. Set me free! I do believe Jesus died on Calvary for me, and I believe in His blood, that there is power in His blood to wash away all my sins, all my sins!" Say, "Come into my heart, Jesus; come on in, Jesus. Come on in!"

If you meant it, He has come. If you meant it, Jesus is yours. Start reading your Bible, pray daily and believe that somebody's listening;

His name is Jesus.

Which I'll admit hews pretty closely to what I expected God to say to me, or at least the faction of the Godness that's all Jesusy, as I've found that's the bit with the shakiest grasp of grammar and spelling.

But that wasn't God's only message for me.

Several lines down, hidden like the apocrypha, was this message, decipherable only to the truest of believers:

Rd at grove oreven homo as in bundy. Noelle was at mcgill when that happened colonial. We met at earthshaking and went to radial wher we had lunch at bluish. It was polaris and a yarrow was had participant by all.

This was unexpected. Nowhere in God's previous literary works did I see foreshadowed this Joyce-meets-Kerouac freedom of expression.

Inspired, I have set out to interpret God's will. And I believe that I have uncovered the most important information the Faithful could receive:

The time and place of the Second Coming.

If you are pure of heart, click below to share the sacred knowledge.

Okay, let's start with the first line:

"Rd at Grove oreven homo as in Bundy" clearly points to the location of a holy site. What could be more holy than the staging point for the coming Rapture?

Picking it apart: "as in Bundy" is a clear reference to Married... With Children, on which the only *known* homo was Amanda Bearse.

"Rd at Grove oreven" is a clever bit of misdirection by the Lord. Since roads have no known sexual preference, to say the Road is "or even homo" like Amanda Bearse is nonsensical. And why would God, all-knowing, run those two words together like that?

UNLESS he meant the faithful to seek the word's homoPHONE, or "sound-alike," which is clearly OREGON.

Here's where I almost lost the path, while trying to connect Amanda Bearse to Oregon. At first I thought perhaps the Almighty meant "Sanford Heights Playground," in Coquille, Oregon, because Amanda Bearse studied acting under Sanford Meisner, and Coquille has a street called "Blasca Dike Rd."

But while trying to pin down the location more specifically, I googled "Sanford Heights Oregon," which led me to this list of geographical names in Oregon. And there, according to the Lord's Plan, my eye fell on the name "Devil's Graveyard."

And what more appropriate site for the Rapture than the DEVIL'S GRAVEYARD.

Googling Devil's Graveyard led me to this map. Go look at it and see if you see God's next hint. I'll wait.

That's right.

Cottage Grove, Oregon. The ROAD at GROVE.

We're coming, Lord.

Amanda Bearse played Marcy RHOADS D'Arcy. So the clue to which ROAD at GROVE must be something to do with D'Arcy. Her husband's name, as played by the inimitable Ted McGinley?

Jefferson D'Arcy.

Take a look at this map of Cottage Grove:

Yup. JEFFERSON AVE.

So in the first line of God's message, we have already identified the exact spot on which Jesus will return to Earth at the Rapture. Jefferson Avenue, Cottage Grove, Oregon. The Lord didn't provide an address, sadly, but as Jefferson Ave is only two blocks long the faithful should be able to easily spot his Coming.

Next, obviously, we have to identify WHEN Christ will return. Let's look at the next line: "Noelle was at mcgill when that happened colonial." Clearly, He wants us to know "when that happened" (technically, it would be "when that will happen, but as God is eternal, he gets hazy on verb tense).

Again, my path nearly faltered. Here I found an essay by Noelle KING (get it?) called "Home is Where the Heart Is." Since at the Rapture the KING calls us HOME to his sacred HEART, I thought I had found the Way. But no: look closely. Noelle King was not "at McGill," she was at the University of Victoria.

But as is His wont, the Lord righted by steps. He led me to this message board, where "Noelle" reveals that she will be "at McGill" in 2008.

The time is almost at hand. He will return in 2008.

Do you still doubt? Noelle's screen name is "Harpgirl27." Who are the best known "harp girls?"

The Angels.

But when, Lord, when in 2008?!

Well, let's see: Noelle, who will be at McGill in 2008 when God arrives to "colonize" the Earth ("when that happened colonial"), is from Issaquah, a town in Washington that is exactly 309.09 miles from Cottage Grove, Oregon.

And again I was nearly led astray, believing that 3/09/2008 would be The Great Day. But remember what I was looking for was not a distance, but a TIME.

The "Estimated TIME" for the trip from Issaquah to Cottage Grove? Five hours and five minutes.

Prepare yourselves. On May 5, 2008, He will return to Jefferson Ave.

Having given us the time and place, God lets us in on what to expect. "We met at earthshaking," he says.

Well now God isn't even bothering to be ambiguous.

As the Prophet Ivan Reitman revealed to us in Ghostbusters, Revelations 6:12-17 says:

[12] And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood; [13] And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind. [14] And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places. [15] And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains; [16] And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb: [17] For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?

When we meet God, we are told, we will "go to radial" - that is, attain a radial state of being. God is often described and depicted as radiant:

(Click for full size)

Then we will "lunch at bluish" - that is, receive nourishment of spirit in God's Kingdom, as foretold in this old spiritual:

I've got a home in gloryland that outshines the sun
Oh Lordy, I've got a home in gloryland that outshines the sun
I've got a home in gloryland that outshines the sun
Oh look away beyond the blue!"

Let's look at the last line: "It was polaris and a yarrow was had participant by all." (Keep in mind God's problems with verb tense)

"It was polaris" refers to God's nature as the only true guide, since Polaris, the north star, has long been used for navigation.

Finally, "a yarrow was had participant by all" unfolds the last part of God's plan for our salvation:

After the final trumpet, when we are gathered in God's kingdom...

...Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary will lead us in a grand singalong:

SO.

There we have it folks. On May 5, 2008, God will return to earth in a great earthquake at Jefferson Avenue in Cottage Grove, Oregon, and take the faithful to the great singalong in the sky.

Tell your friends. And keep an eye on THIS CLOCK - it will tell you EXACTLY how much time we have left.

As of right now? 1402 days, 8 hours, and 10 minutes.

Make them count.

Posted by rjt at July 2, 2004 09:35 AM