Procrastinet

Week 3 Can Kiss My Tuches

So I was jamming along through the 100 Pushups program, getting close to the daily numbers even when I didn't hit them. I improved from 23 to 32 in two weeks. Not exactly on pace to hit 100 four weeks later, but a fair improvement.

Then I got to Week 3.

Mind you, the creator of the site (who did not come up with the program - he's simply re-printing it based on something he found on the intarwebs years ago which has since disappeared) has admitted that he himself was totally unable to make the numbers of Week 3 and had to repeat it this time around.

Yeah.

The problem is, if you started with lower-middle ability, the numbers just aren't possible. Today's goal was 25/17/17/15/25+, which totals out to 99 pushups. With only 60 second breaks. Dude: 60ish just kicked my ass FOUR DAYS AGO. How am I magically supposed to do 99?!

So I hit the near-comical 25/17/8, and then had to take a several minute rest. Then I got 13, waited another 3 minutes or so, and got 7. At that point I had to really concentrate on not barfing. So: instead of 99 I totalled 70. Which is, for those keeping score at home, NOT EVEN CLOSE.

I've been building to this conclusion but now it's official: I call shenanigans on the whole 100 Pushups program. Clearly it is a good way to increase the number of pushups you can do, fairly quickly. I'm still glad I'm doing it.

But the claim that *anyone* can do 100 pushups within six weeks is completely bogus. It's snake oil.

Maybe - MAYBE - if you started already able to do 50+. But for noodle-armed 23-pushup dumplings like myself? The chances that I will bang out 100 pushups without a break three and a half weeks from now are approximately - wait, carry the two, minus four - nil.

But hey. I just did 70 pushups. My triceps think they're on someone else entirely.

Hold the F*cking Phone

I know I just - JUST - introduced my dozen of readers to Blognigger, but god damned if he hasn't gone and outdone himself so thoroughly that it required another whole post to do it justice.

The [Park Slope] Declaration of Co-Dependence.

Nothing less than a sweeping set of rules that will allow all residents of Park Slope, Brooklyn, to get along without anybody being an unconscionable douchebag about it. Stop everything you're doing and go read it.

A sample:

Article I: Sidewalk Behavior

I.a.1 - Parents with strollers shall not occupy more than 66% of the width of a given sidewalk's walking area, except for periods of less than ten seconds when passing jutting storefront artifacts such as elongated entranceways, outdoor eating areas, or subway stations.

I.a.2 - As mothers, especially new mothers, are often hormonal masses of cluelessness, fathers will be responsible for a family's compliance with article I.a.1. Childless Individuals are urged to take special note of these characteristics of a mother's mindstate, and to factor this understanding into their reactions to violations of Article 1.a.1; a mother's failure to make room for you on the sidewalk does not derive from her arrogance, though it may easily be mistaken for such; said failure is merely motivated by obliviousness due to lack of sleep, individual freedom, and the chemical demand of continual and exclusive focus on her children.

I.a.3 - In cases where Article I.a.1. is violated, Childless Individuals are requested to keep a sense of propriety and a sense of humor regarding the violation. It is recommended that a victim of this violation simply blurt "careful!," "'scuse me!," or even "Article 1!" - but should attempt to refrain from getting bent outta fuckin shape: There is no reason to shoot the mother a psychotic Billy Corgan look, act like a self-important fuckin douche bag, or invoke hatred and negativity as if someone just flew a 747 into your office building. At the end of the day, is getting where you're going 30 seconds earlier really worth all that? Don't worry - I guarantee you'll still get home in time to watch the new episode of The Cunt - and if you don't you should have Tivo'ed it; either way it will be on In-Demand in a couple of days at most.

If this Declaration can be read and honored by every resident of our neighborhood maybe finally the international press can pick some other damn neighborhood to love/hate on.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Blognigger

If you've been wondering how it came to be that "believ-datshit" entered my vocabulary, I'll let you know the culprit: Blognigger.

One commenter summed it up: "Park Slope's own The Onion, but funnier and more racist!" Social satirist of the first degree, BN (who has also secured the url TheBlogThatMustNotBeNamed.com in case you're shy about using his given) exploded onto the snark scene a couple weeks back when Gawker picked up his typically scathing take on The Real World Brooklyn.

But what really gets me is his dead-on critique and celebration and desecration of Park Slope. The quote that hooked me for life: "my rage disorder barely allowed me to survive the closing of Red Hot Sczechuan last month, which was like the fucking closing of CHINESE FOOD ITESELF."

Which, if you live south of 9th, is OMFG SO TOTALLY TRUE.

Then came "The Nanny Diarrhees," a note perfect evisceration of Park Slope Parenthood (which he also defends against all haters in the brilliant "Nobody Calls My Mom a Slut But Me").

On a self described mission to "just keep getting more and more honest with each other until either we rid the world of communism or somebody passes out," BN has outdone himself today, ripping the veil off of the behavior of men towards hot women.

Especially on the F train, during the morning commute.

And, having spent 9:04am through 9:27am inclusive this morning trying desperately not to stare directly at the exposed boobs of the very short, very attractive young lady who was PRACTICALLY STANDING ON MY TOES FOR THE WHOLE RIDE, I'm feeling his pain when he says:

What do you think, Park Slopers? "What a bunch of sexist, misogynist bullshit." Is that it? NO; Bullshit YOU! Then why did God and Jesus and Darwin give me these fucking chemicals in my head then, Park Slopers, that cause me to sweat and ache to obtain the succulent fruit of the female form???

Do you have any fucking idea what it's like in this prison - having to walk around all day in Manhattan looking at shit like this (esp Union Square / Chelsea Market / Soho) - and having to not only keep from throwing these women down wells and reading them the Lotion/Basket Riot Act of 1992, but also having to PRETEND to be tasteful and indifferent regarding their sick, sick bounty?

Preach, Brother Ni--

Yeah, I'm not there yet.

I also failed the Blognigger Transcendence of Political Correctness Test this weekend at a barbecue: I was asking a buddy if he had discovered Blognigger yet. He - like you do - laughed and said "no what's that?" I was explaining, and the hostess walked by. "What is this?" she asked.

Problem was, in the meantime an attractive young black lady, who I had met only minutes earlier, had wandered over and was standing on the other side of me. I would have to repeat the blog's name in her presence and earshot.

Dozens of years of liberal inculcation washed over me in an instant, and I am ashamed to say that I pretended I didn't hear the question.

Sigh. Help me, Blognigger, you're my only hope.

Like a Canary

Ladies and gentlemen, the singing voice of Charlie Tolan.

(Sorry it's sideways - Procrastiwife forgets that you can't auto-rotate the video on her cameral...)

Cuteblogging Clearinghouse

#1:

I don't know - do you think Max is excited about our trip in August?

#2:

A few moments ago we declared that it was time for Max to get into the bath. He announced that he was not going to take a bath, but was instead going right to bed. Lisa said "No way, buddy, have you seen your legs?" His legs are smurf-blue with chalk from kneeling on his chalkwork (above).

He looks down, laughs, and says happily "God damnit. Look how stupid I am."

[UPDATE/DISCLAIMER: To put this in context, he's currently fascinated by "bad words" which he knows he's not supposed to say and so, naturally, tries to use all the time. Some are mild curse words, but some are just mean or teasing words that we've cracked down on in the past. Current favorites are God Damnit, Jesus Christ, Hate and Stupid. Hopefully in that context the above story reads as cute quirky rather than heart-rendingly depressing...]

#3:

This is out of date, but I never remembered to blog it at the time. About a month ago, Max was making me recite all the pets I've ever owned (a near-daily ritual for a couple weeks). I came to the sad story of our dog Dick (so named as a pair with his sister Jane - though the "Dick & Jane" reference was lost on the rednecks who goggled at me in disbelief when I was ten years old and had to tell them my dog was named "Dick").

Dick, you see, was epileptic, and eventually died of it after he had too many seizures - about a dozen in one day. It fried his brain. He was walking into walls and turning little circles.

"He had seizures?!" asked Max, with a good deal of wonder.

"That's right," I said.

"Like TED KENNEDY?!"

100 Pushups - Week 1

Apparently a sudden online trend has sprung up around the site hundredpushups.com, which claims to have a regime by which you can train yourself to do 100 consecutive pushups in a 6 week program.

I'm ON THAT.

I did the "initial test" tonight, and discovered that I could do 23 and a half pushups before my arms stopped moving. I used to be able to do 25-30, so that's not a terrible dropoff. I'll start the program (a series of reps with varied intervals) tomorrow, and keep tabs here so that I can be shamed if, come August, I can not tear off a century at will.

I'm going to be SO BUFF.

That is all.

MAJOR UPDATE:

Oh, it's on. Mr. Peanuthead has signed on for the 100 pushups challenge, with a little wager to make it more interesting. In eight weeks (allowing two weeks of slide) we'll be in Tahoe for a wedding - at which point we'll go head to head to see who can do 100 pushups... FASTEST. There's $50 riding on it.

Of course, Mr. Peanuthead is, at 7 years my junior and 12 pushups fitter in the initial test, well ahead of me. Even so, fitty bucks is fitty bucks. So mid-August will find me WAY MORE BUFF than him.

UPDATE (ongoing):

Week 1/Day 1 - complete. 10 pushups, then 10 pushups, then 8, then 6, then as many as you can do (at least 7), with 60 seconds in between each.

The set of 8 started to get shaky. On the fifth of six I, um, may not have gotten all the way down. And on the sixth of the "at least 7" I definitely dipped my ankles to help sort of throw myself back up. But I got 7 - and then my arms dropped me on my face on the floor. They quit like somebody threw a switch.

It felt like somebody snuck up on me during that last set and replaced my biceps with baked potatoes. But I got through it - 41 pushups total. SO BUFF.

Week 1/Day 2 - complete(ish). 12/12/10/10/10+, 90 seconds between. On the fourth set my form went to poo on the last two, and on the fifth set I definitely started to lead with my butt on numbers 8, 9 and 10. Still, I got from nose-to-the-carpet up into the air, so I'm counting it. Sorta. 54 total pushups (49 if you leave out the bad form ones).

Woke up yesterday with knitting needles in my pecs. Seriously. Sore. Better today, just in time to get all wrecked up again.

Week 1/Day 3 - complete(ish). 15/13/10/10/15+, 2 minutes between. Kept the form more or less together through first four sets, then bonked after 9 on the last which was supposed to be 15+. So I totalled out 6 short of where I was supposed to be.

Still, 57 pushups total. Considering that 41 kicked my ass just five days ago, that's not bad.

Week 2/Day 1 (6/27) 12/12/9/7/10+, 1 minute between. Felt *way* stronger on the first set, just as cashed by the end. Did 11 in the last set, for a total of 51. Made the number required, but 6 fewer than two days ago. Hmm.

Week 2/Day 2 (6/29) 16/13/11/11/15+, 90 secs. between. I've started to suspect this program isn't all it's cracked up to be, as the number I was supposed to do today was totally impossible, and I'm only on Week 2. Rather than fall short on total, I stopped when I totally bonked but then when back to complete the set after a short rest.

So my actual set went 16/13/11/10/7/4/5. 66 total. I know in future weeks you're encouraged to repeat weeks if you can't hit your numbers, but that's looking totally inevitable and I'm left wondering who, if anybody, can actually go from 23 pushups to 100 in 6 weeks. Even the author of the site admits that, the first time he did it, he had to repeat a week.

In other news, ProcrastiWife has joined the challenge! She knocked out 9 pushups (not girl style, either) in her test, putting her in the second column. Way to go!

Week 2/Day 3 (7/2) 15/15/12/12/15+, 2 mins between. Actual was pretty close - 15/15/12/12/13/2 - w00t! Didn't feel wobbly until the last couple of the third set, and the last several of the fourth set. After second set, Lisa (who had already done hers) said "you make that look so easy." After the fourth, she said "yeah you're not making that look easy anymore..." Total: 69.

She banged out 7/7/5/4/5+ as 7/7/5/4/3, which is damn good.

Up next: I "re-test" to see how many I can do in one go.

Week Two - Re-Test - On the malodorous floor of the Rt. 9 Budget Inn, Warrensburg, NY, I banged out... 32 pushups in a row. Which is nine more than I did two weeks ago. And still 3 shy of where Mr. Peanuthead started, which makes me a little nervous about my part of this wager. Lisa is projecting "exponential" improvement in the coming weeks, which was probably just to make me feel better.

In the meantime, she cranked out 9/8/6/5/7, which is pretty damn impressive.

Introducing: DreadWhimsy!

Crackerjack playwright, walking good hair day and long time friend of Procrastinet Ross Maxwell has started a blog called DreadWhimsy. He captions pictures with his characteristic fractured, funny, often deeply depressing narratives. To wit:

From the introduction, entitled "What is DreadWhimsy, pray tell?":

DreadWhimsy is the deadpan comedy of the absurdly foreboding. It's the street clown caught in a terrorist attack screaming "Jesus Christ! Somebody DO something!" It's walking in on your cat chopping vegetables with a sharp knife in your kitchen in the middle of the night. It's the unwholesome stare from a red-headed child in a passing station wagon. It's whatever fills you with apprehension while involuntarily making you laugh.

It shouldn't be funny. But it is funny. And you're wrong for laughing. But I forgive you. But not really.

Enjoy.

Obama's First Nat'l TV Spot

Title: "Country I Love."

Boy, is this a good political ad.

While we're genuflecting to the Obamessiah, I just got this from the papa of Charlie's BFF, Nate Dawg:

There are many things people do not know about BARACK OBAMA. It is every American's duty to read this message and pass it along to all of their friends and loved ones.

Barack Obama's skin is the color of AMERICAN SOIL.

Barack Obama wears a FLAG PIN at all times. Even in the shower.

Barack Obama says the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE every time he sees an American flag. He also ends every sentence by saying, 'WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.' Click here for video of Obama quietly mouthing the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE in his sleep.

A tape exists of Michelle Obama saying the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE at a conference on PATRIOTISM.

Every weekend, Barack and Michelle take their daughters HUNTING.

Barack Obama is a PATRIOTIC AMERICAN. He has one HAND over his HEART at all times. He occasionally switches when one arm gets tired, which is almost never because he is STRONG.

Barack Obama has the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE tattooed on his stomach. It's upside-down, so he can read it while doing sit-ups.

There's only one artist on Barack Obama's iPod: FRANCIS SCOTT KEY.

Barack Obama is a DEVOUT CHRISTIAN. His favorite book is the BIBLE, which he has memorized. His name means HE WHO LOVES JESUS in the ancient language of Aramaic. He is PROUD that Jesus was an American.

Barack Obama goes to church every morning. He goes to church every afternoon. He goes to church every evening. He is IN CHURCH RIGHT NOW.

Barack Obama's new airplane includes a conference room, a kitchen, and a MEGACHURCH.

Barack Obama buys AMERICAN STUFF. He owns a FORD, a BASEBALL TEAM, and a COMPUTER HE BUILT HIMSELF FROM AMERICAN PARTS. He travels mostly by FORKLIFT.

Barack Obama says that Americans cling to GUNS and RELIGION because they are AWESOME.

Heh heh.

An Exercise in Positive Visualization

This could be called an exercise in positive visualization, or, less crunchily, wishful thinking. Either way, I whiled away an idle 15 minutes at the excellent poll-aggregating site 538 and thought about November's potential electoral map.

538 collects all state level polls and weights them against their own past accuracy and against some voodoo historical derivation, to assemble a proprietary "average" electoral probability for each candidate in each state.

Based on the speeches last Tuesday by the respective candidates (the John McCain Rictus-Against-Lime-Green travesty versus the Obamessiah treatment), I'm going to assume that John McCain is already doing as well as he's going to do. He has, for years, been ensconced in the lizard brain of collective America as "a decent, steady, independent guy" and no profane flipouts at his colleagues or 95% party line voting record are going to change that.

On the flip side, as we get to know him better in the unforgiving glare of a national presidential campaign, I doubt we're going to like him better.

Obama is less well known nationally and, in general, cuts a far better figure and makes a far better impression. So I'm assuming that, as this grinds on, more people are going to shift from McCain to Obama than the other direction.

So I did a prospective electoral map based on the assumption that Obama's numbers against McCain will improve 5% across the board between now and November. Meaning he would win any state where McCain currently enjoys a lead less than 5%. If that bore out, here's what the electoral map would look like:

Oh. Oh so pretty.

Then again, if the tide really and truly turns in O's direction and garnered him a country-wide 10% bounce (I think this is more farfetched though I won't rule it out), it would look like this:

Go Blue.